Upside Down

This experience was truly a gift from God to both Jodie & myself.  I invited Jodie to write her story, because frankly, I did not really know what had happened, so here is Jodie’s story in her own words.

My Letter From God, by Jodie Cartier

Prologue:  Please bear with me as I set the stage and provide the basic background preceding my letter from God. 2002 brought an earthquake to my life that left me broken and catapulted me into a five-year battle with overwhelming grief.   You see, I had what I considered to be the perfect life – a handsome, loving husband who was my true soul mate, two wonderful dogs that I loved with all my heart, two grown children who were both pursuing their dreams, and a rewarding job.  Little did I know that much of what I held most dear would soon be gone from this world forever leaving me broken and alone. To make a long story short, my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic and liver cancer and was given a death sentence and sent home to die.  He went from being a robust, virile man preparing to go to Florida to play golf and attend a national sales meeting for his company, to gone in nine short weeks.  In April I held my husband as he took his final journey to heaven, in May I held one of my beloved dogs as she took her last breaths, in June I sent my Navy SEAL son to an unknown war zone, in August I held my other dog as he passed away, and a few months later my daughter moved to Virginia.  I went from being the center of a very active, loving universe to being alone – or so I thought.  I would awaken each morning and as I passed through my deafeningly silent, empty house, I would cry out, “Where did everybody go?  How on earth did I end up alone?” Although God has always been a part of my life, he definitely didn’t have top billing back in those glory days.  I said my daily prayers and thanked him for the “perfect” life he had given me, but nothing came between me and my love for my family – certainly not God.  It wasn’t until I was sitting at my husband’s funeral and a friend was delivering his eulogy that I realized that I had my priorities all wrong — that my faith, and God, were to be first and foremost. The journey that unfolded turned out to be my ultimate test of faith.  I went from saying my daily prayers of thanks to praying constantly for a healing miracle.   But, God had other plans.  Throughout this personal upheaval, I never asked God why.  I knew that my simple, human mind would never accept an explanation for my devastating losses, so I told God, “I will trust you on this one, but please help me make some sense of this and let me know how you want me to serve you with the remainder of my life.” Although I knew that God was with me every step of this journey, I still felt confused and frustrated regarding finding purpose and meaning in my life having lost so much. To help me deal with this new chapter, I became a student of purpose attending every class, seminar, and Bible study that had to do with purpose.  As part of my research, I asked my Bible-study friend, Laurie, to work through the Katie Brazelton study, Conversations on Purpose.  This is a ten-week study that invites you to analyze yourself and your life from a variety of God-like perspectives.  Although when I invited Laurie to do the study with me I didn’t know her well, I soon discovered God placed her in my life for a very specific reason – to serve as his scribe and messenger.  During our conversations, Laurie recognized a common thread in my life that she referred to as my “upside down life.”  She observed that I seemed to do things backwards or upside down from most people – I was born with an old soul, I believed in Christ before I had knowledge of him, I was burdened with heavy responsibilities at a very young age, but now have the freedom to do anything I desire.  I found this an interesting observation and felt it merited further evaluation. 2009 brought more loss to my life.  I was trying to find another life partner with disappointing results so I had decided it was the perfect time to get the perfect puppy to once again create my perfect life.  But at eight months old, my beloved Tucker succumbed to bone marrow cancer and once again I held something that I loved most dearly while he passed.  I could almost hear God shouting down from heaven exclaiming, “Jodie, I did not give you all of those gifts and talents so that you could cater to the needs of a dog for the next fifteen (or so) years of your life!” One morning I woke with an all too familiar feeling of profound sadness.  Thankfully, there aren’t too many days anymore when the heavy burden of grief consumes me, but when losses started piling on once again, it was a feeling I recognized with great familiarity. To help me sort out my feelings, I sat down at my computer and the following poem flowed from my fingertips: My Old Friends My old friends came to visit me once again today. Their knocking was too persistent to ignore. I wasn’t surprised … I knew it would be soon. I’ve felt them lurking at my door. Rattling at my soul in the dark of night When I’m alone … always alone. They don’t require a trip to the store. Their ravenous appetites satiated by me alone. They feed off my life’s energy, my passion, my love. They know the meal will be bountiful For they have feasted here before. They will remain to linger over the spoils, Picking away at my spirit – the last spark consumed. It’s not that I mind being hospitable. It’s just that I am growing so weary. For you see, they have been frequent guests of late. And, it seems to be taking longer and longer to replenish my stores. Do you think that if I leave the coffers empty, they will stay away? Grief, loneliness, and pain, my old friends came to visit me once again today.

Although the writing had a restorative effect on me, it left me feeling depleted, empty, drained and at a loss for direction.  I spent the day in the depths of sadness and, I hate to admit self pity.  As I crawled into bed that night, I prayed fervently to God that he would give me the courage to replenish my coffers and give me direction.   But, I felt depleted and confused. The following morning, still feeling the after effects of an emotionally draining day, I got a call from my friend Laurie.  She had a follow up to her “upside down life” theory that she wanted to share with me.  She was on her way out of town and I was on the way out the door, so she stopped by and left the following gift on my doorstep. Now, please realize that Laurie was completely unaware of the struggles of my previous day for she had left me upbeat and happy following our last conversation.  Nor was she aware of the content of my poem, nor my feeling of depletion.

Hi Jodie, I think the “upside down” piece has meaning!  On the way home from Thursday’s conversation, God gave me a picture of a bowl all poured out and upside down.  That’s your life!  You’ve been wise beyond your years naturally and have poured yourself out in so many beautiful ways.  I think what God wants to teach you is to enjoy his rest – He wants to fill you! Try this … turn the bowl right side up and pick a word like “good” or “grace.”  In the back of the Bible there’s a concordance which will give you verses with that word in it.  Look up verses until one “hits” you.  Write it on a small piece of paper and fold it, placing it in the bowl.  God will fill you up as you read His word and take it for your own. Can’t wait for our next conversation.  Have fun. Laurie

I couldn’t believe the irony.  Here I was feeling empty and depleted, praying fervently to God for the courage to replenish my coffers, but confused on how to best proceed.  And, here comes this empty bowl depicting my life with specific instructions on how to fill my bowl, replenish my coffers, with God through the glory of his word.  But, then, why should I be surprised?  All things are possible through Christ. I can only say that God spoke to me that day through his faithful vessel, Laurie.  There is no other explanation for the coincidence of the timing and the fitting content of the message. I went from being tentative with my approach to the Bible, not knowing where to start, to diving in as I researched my new word each day.  I looked forward to sitting with my morning cup of coffee and thinking of a word and discovering God’s perspective on the subject matter.  I started with my old friends, “grief,” loneliness”, “pain,” but quickly moved toward more positive words such as “purpose,” “passion,” “love.”

I realize now that I was trying to recreate my old life as opposed to moving forward with the life God has planned for me.  I am still searching for my ultimate life purpose, but am feeling energized and optimistic as I am being filled with the Holy Spirit.  I try not to dwell on my aloneness, but embrace it, knowing that I am not really alone for God is with me always.  I am devoted to finding a “new” life as opposed to trying to recreate my old life and have committed to making 2010 a year of exploration and action. Laurie remains an inspiration and mentor to me and an obedient “vessel” for God.  I thank God for bringing her into my life, and for using her to speak to my heart and provide me with much-needed direction through my “Letter From God.”

If you’re interested, Jodie and I based our conversation around Katie Brazelton’s book, Conversations on Purpose for Women.

{images: Laurie Ashbach}